Pursuit

People might think I boast.

I wish I could "boast" and say that "I'm glad that I'm in a situation where I feel like I'm pulled both ways--by the needs I see around me and the needs I see in Louisiana!" I wish I could call that "boasting."

If I took that third trip on a leap of faith, then I would be taking my immediate family on that leap with me--over a jump that I may be wrong to make! It takes the combined income of my work and my Dad's work just to pay the bills, and save a small amount each month--we've worked it out in spreadsheets. That small amount vanishes if I leave, then that sends Dad and Mom sliding back down without enough money to even pay the bills. Maybe God is down there, ready to catch us if we fall, but: "It is also written: 'Do not put the Lord your God to the test.'" (Matthew 4:1-11)

I wish I could "boast" and say that my strength saved me, or that my strength broke a cycle of addiction in my life. I wish I could say that, but that would be a lie! Then I would be taking all the credit for work that God did. I didn't decide: "Gee, just for the fun of it, maybe I'll come back and act differently," or "Hey God, wouldn't it be cool if I had different thoughts and ideas after these trips?" I didn't think to myself: "I'll make a list of things that need to be changed and then I'll change all of them right now." (Proverbs 16:2)

I say that I've been transformed, but how? Where is the evidence, when workdays become hectic and I feel stress and strain and start taking it out on others? Where is the proof that I'm any different than who I used to be? When I still react to the world around me, how can I say that I am any different than I was before, when there is no physical evidence?

The fact is, when I say that "I've been changed," it's because I keep on discovering things--things that I thought I knew about myself before, but that I had all wrong before. I keep on discovering things that are wrong in my life, wrong in my thinking, wrong in my behavior, and wrong in my actions! (Romans 3:23)

The difference--at least the only difference I can see so far--is that I've gone from zero percent of recognizing those things to at least one percent. And that means, considering all the wrong in the world, that I have to at least try to be different. Whatever you do, don't expect me to stop sinning. Don't hold your breath, people! (Romans 7:7-24)

I didn't just "change" all at once. The problem with what I see is that I started changing, and now I have to keep going. The inverted life is not a life that begins all at once. This is a pursuit that I am not allowed to end, no matter how easy or comfortable it would be to switch back to the way I was. I value all the little, insignificant variances that have been introduced to my behavior. I have come to realize that the changes will only get more and more demanding. My life is constrained to a path where I have to decide whether I go forward or back. I realize now, that any step that does not go forward only leads backward, and that the cost of turning back like that is unthinkable. (Hebrews 10:26-31)

And then, an old Steven Curtis Chapman song comes to mind: "Burn the ships..."