Sealed Move

If I get any reader who is interested in Last Exile, they will notice that I've been borrowing post titles from some episodes of that anime series. They, in turn, happen to be borrowing episode titles from Chess terminology.


After long deliberation, I have reached a decision concerning future trips to Louisiana. I will continue to search for opportunities for short-term volunteering. Long term volunteering may become a possibility in the future, but I will wait until God opens that way up for me. Earlier posts indicate that I was struggling with this decision.

Part of the struggles we face when we are trying to decide come from the fact that we try to decide. Sometimes, the best thing to do to a difficult decision is to give it to God and let Him decide. So, even though this decision has taken a long time to make, and even though I have felt a lot of stress in coming to this decision, I have tried to lay it in God's hands.

This decision represents a sort of "sealed move" to me, because it has taken me a lot of time to decide. I have stopped and restarted the process of deciding in many different settings, and at many different times. I will continue to pray for peace in having decided, I will continue to pray for volunteers everywhere, dealing with disaster relief everywhere.

And I will count this sealed move as a prayer answered by God.

All Over Again

I haven't gone back to my novel since I started blogging. As an aspiring SF and Fantasy author, I had all kind of ideas running around in my head all the time. My focus recently has been this blog, and I've enjoyed adding posts to it on a somewhat irregular basis--whenever the inspiration struck me, I'd get that glint in my eye, and go write a post.

My focus has shifted back (at least for a while) on the novel I've been working on since early 2002. It's fun to go back into those chapters all over again, revise, rework, and consider the implications of the different ideas there. Going to Louisiana did change me, so I find it interesting that the part of me that was a writer still is a writer. God may have a purpose with this, and I would like to explore it.

But God may also have a purpose with other aspects of my life. Actually, I keep saying "may" when I should say "does." I've got another book on my reading list, which I'll explain in a different post. Here's a link to that post if you want to read that.

As a random thought, I leave you with the lyrics to another Steven Curtis Chapman song: "The Mountain..."

Incompatible

Just last post, I mentioned that I've improved at seeing the things that are wrong with my life.

Between that post and this post, I overreacted at work at least one time that I can remember. By "overreacting," I mean that I allowed the day's hectic schedule to affect me so that I wound up expressing my anger in a way that is not productive.

The fact is that things are going to get more and more hectic because of timing. Where I work, business experiences an upswing during the fall and Christmas seasons. More customers, more orders, more backorders, more "questions-that-certain-people-have-to-deal-with-immediately," and more distractions all lead to more stress. It affects everybody, and what's worse--we are just warming up. How can I say that I am a different person, when I react in anger the way that I did?

How can I show that my attitude is based on following Christ? How do I reach people if my own behavior is incompatible with the message I am supposed to carry?

I should upgrade that question to make the real issue stand out: "If I claim to be a Christian, then why do I still sin? Now that I'm supposed to be a 'different person,' why do I still fall back into my old habits?"

The inverted life is a "life" not a one-time decision. I'm going to keep running into that question everywhere I go. Guess what? I'm going to keep running into that question even when (especially when) I think I've got the answers all figured out.

Pursuit

People might think I boast.

I wish I could "boast" and say that "I'm glad that I'm in a situation where I feel like I'm pulled both ways--by the needs I see around me and the needs I see in Louisiana!" I wish I could call that "boasting."

If I took that third trip on a leap of faith, then I would be taking my immediate family on that leap with me--over a jump that I may be wrong to make! It takes the combined income of my work and my Dad's work just to pay the bills, and save a small amount each month--we've worked it out in spreadsheets. That small amount vanishes if I leave, then that sends Dad and Mom sliding back down without enough money to even pay the bills. Maybe God is down there, ready to catch us if we fall, but: "It is also written: 'Do not put the Lord your God to the test.'" (Matthew 4:1-11)

I wish I could "boast" and say that my strength saved me, or that my strength broke a cycle of addiction in my life. I wish I could say that, but that would be a lie! Then I would be taking all the credit for work that God did. I didn't decide: "Gee, just for the fun of it, maybe I'll come back and act differently," or "Hey God, wouldn't it be cool if I had different thoughts and ideas after these trips?" I didn't think to myself: "I'll make a list of things that need to be changed and then I'll change all of them right now." (Proverbs 16:2)

I say that I've been transformed, but how? Where is the evidence, when workdays become hectic and I feel stress and strain and start taking it out on others? Where is the proof that I'm any different than who I used to be? When I still react to the world around me, how can I say that I am any different than I was before, when there is no physical evidence?

The fact is, when I say that "I've been changed," it's because I keep on discovering things--things that I thought I knew about myself before, but that I had all wrong before. I keep on discovering things that are wrong in my life, wrong in my thinking, wrong in my behavior, and wrong in my actions! (Romans 3:23)

The difference--at least the only difference I can see so far--is that I've gone from zero percent of recognizing those things to at least one percent. And that means, considering all the wrong in the world, that I have to at least try to be different. Whatever you do, don't expect me to stop sinning. Don't hold your breath, people! (Romans 7:7-24)

I didn't just "change" all at once. The problem with what I see is that I started changing, and now I have to keep going. The inverted life is not a life that begins all at once. This is a pursuit that I am not allowed to end, no matter how easy or comfortable it would be to switch back to the way I was. I value all the little, insignificant variances that have been introduced to my behavior. I have come to realize that the changes will only get more and more demanding. My life is constrained to a path where I have to decide whether I go forward or back. I realize now, that any step that does not go forward only leads backward, and that the cost of turning back like that is unthinkable. (Hebrews 10:26-31)

And then, an old Steven Curtis Chapman song comes to mind: "Burn the ships..."

Blasted

I was sitting at my desk at work when something crossed my mind. At the time, my mind was blank as I shifted from one task to another. I can multitask, but I don't do it too often because that's just not the way my mind works. So my blank mind must've had some other thought go through it, like an actor dashing from one wing to the other, in full view of the audience, when he realizes his entrance is supposed to be from stage left instead of stage right. It was a thought of Louisiana, and I then spent a couple of minutes caught in a blast of nostalgia.

I went shooting down Memory Lane at high speed, accompanied by an extreme longing to be back down there volunteering. I don't know why that happened, but as fast as it started, it was over again.

Immediately thereafter, my thoughts shifted back to the things I needed to do at work, and I quickly forgot what had happened. After work, the memory of what happened came back. I still don't know what that experience meant.

Transpose

"We've always called you 'O.M.C.' for short," said my brother, in a telephone call as we prepared to visit him and his wife in his new home.

"The 'O.M.C.'? What's that?" I asked, less concerned about who my brother meant by "we" than by what the initials O.M.C. stood for.

My brother said that he always used "O.M.C." affectionately, and that it stood for "Old Man Chris." That's funny--there is an O.M.C. in my past--but not all of it matches how my brother might've characterized it.

All of my life, I've been the bookish, studious, non-athletic son. I'm shorter than my brother, and since I have a lazy eye, my hand-eye coordination has always been lacking. I used to fall down a lot as a child. Actually, this is related to my eyesight also. What passes for "balance" in my body is actually my continual awareness of pressure on my feet as well as the balance of my inner ear. I walk on the balls of my feet, something abnormal that is caused by the fact that I am adapting to poor eyesight. As a result, I can lose my balance easily, but I have become quite agile in getting balance back without falling.

Being non-athletic, I was shy as a result, and since Mom and Dad divorced, I became introverted and withdrawn. I became afraid of speaking to crowds, let alone individual people. I also became easily-angered and became aggressive, profane, and destructive when I was angry.

I (sometimes jealously) watched my brother bloom socially, but felt emotionally stunted and unable to participate at the level of others. I was never very outgoing, but I was always empathic--if somebody else was in trouble, or sad, or feeling down, I picked up on that emotion even if I didn't tell the other person about my feelings.

I am still that way.

For years, I wondered if I had a purpose, or whether God made me from his collection of "spare parts." I've heard the saying: "God doesn't make junk" but I sometimes felt like I had broken something, or like I hadn't understood the instruction manual for how I was supposed to work. That person, my version of the "Old Man Chris" has been changed.

My ability to "pick up on an emotion" is what made me want to do something to help after the attacks on September 11th, 2001. That same empathy is what made me want to do something to help in the Gulf, including the fact that I am still considering a third trip to volunteer.

The O.M.C. is the unadventurous character that got me into this in the first place. He never took risks, never was outgoing, and rarely ever acted on the spur of the moment. He was shy and introverted. But the O.M.C. is the one who decided to go to Louisiana!

Since the O.M.C. wasn't very athletic, but enjoyed walking, he never put on that much weight--muscle or fat. The O.M.C. was able to carry on in the summer heat because he was thin. He was also able to help because when he picked up a load, he wasn't working harder just to carry himself as well. Being cautious about his balance, he was agile over uneven and unstable terrain and debris.

Another volunteer once said of him: "he always has something to say, something that makes me think." The O.M.C.'s ability to empathize meant that he was able to encourage other people. The O.M.C. chose to stand in front of a crowd in spite of his nervousness, and deliver a message to try to encourage others.

When the O.M.C. came home from his first trip to Louisiana, he was less prone to anger and was pleasantly surprised to notice it! He didn't use profanity when he did get angry, and his anger burned out much faster than before. This was the first inkling of the existence of the New Man Chris.

The inverted life calls for all of us to use our abilities in ways that help others. Even if you have a seemingly illogical or strange grouping of abilities, God has a use and a purpose for you. The inverted life is all about finding that purpose, finding fulfillment, experience, and enjoyment in carrying out that purpose, and in encouraging others to do the same.

The "old man-" or "old woman-" version of you may feel stale, stagnant or outdated. If it does, I invite you to consider this: "A generous man will prosper; he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed." (Proverbs 11:25)

Challenge on a Beaded Chain

Over Labor Day weekend in 2000, I attended a Christian youth rally called "Summit" in downtown Columbus. While there, I purchased a dog tag with the slogan "WWJD?" (What Would Jesus Do?) painted on one side and the following verse painted on the other:

"I can do anything through [Christ] who gives me strength." (Philippians 4:13)

I started out wearing the dog tag for a while, hoping it would serve me as a reminder that I would be able to resist sin, behave better, and fulfill a lot of other idealistic notions I had in my head at the time. I was only 21 then, and still quite idealistic. The slogan "WWJD?" was still somewhat new to me, but at the time I bought the souvenir, I thought I knew its implications. I stopped wearing the dog tag after a few months.

Before I finished packing for my first trip to Louisiana, I saw that dog tag sitting on my dresser drawer, gathering dust. I hadn't worn or carried it for almost five years. I brushed it off and looked at the verse on the back. The very thought of being able to do "anything" made me stop and think. I thought "I will need Jesus' strength to get through next week," and so I decided to take the dog tag along. I wore it under my shirt on the bus ride down to Louisiana and decided to keep it on during the work days as well.

During even the hottest days in Louisiana, I could still occasionally feel the coolness of the flat metal tag against my chest. I could feel that beaded chain tickle the back of my neck. At those times, I always remembered what I had around my neck. In the morning, the first thing I would do when I got up was put on that dog tag. Maybe it was a bit superstitious. I even told a few people about that dog tag. I said: "This is how I get started each day, by remembering this verse." I thought I understood the verse.

Then came my second trip to Louisiana. I think somewhere on the trip down, I pulled the dog tag out from under my shirt and held it in my hand. I re-read the verse, recalling the peace of mind and the willpower that the verse had given me on my first trip to Louisiana. Maybe the dog tag spun around on its beaded chain, or maybe I turned it over one or two times. My brain made a connection that sent chills through me.

I understood it then. The front of the dog tag asks me "What Would Jesus Do?" The back of the dog tag has a Bible verse on it. Remember, that verse comes from a book where we learn about the attitude of Jesus (Philippians 2:5-8).

The challenge hits home--if the front is a question: "What Would Jesus Do?" then the back is one answer to that question: "Since you have his strength, you can do anything that Jesus would do."

Anything. The question and the answer make me think a lot more about what the inverted life is, and how I measure up. I have a challenge on a beaded chain, hanging around my neck. I am thankful for the challenge and the reminder that the dog tag gives me. These days, the only time when I am not wearing it is when I am in the shower.

Breakthrough

Some people (myself very much included) have struggled with the problem of being the cause of our own downfall. As I said before, I am the cause of my own problems. Ultimately, whether it is because of my weakness or because I am imperfect (Romans 3:23), I cause my own problems when I try to deal with sin.

That's because the choice is mine to make. When I am tempted, I struggle between what I want to do and what I do not want to do (Romans 7:21-25). Many times, I have decided to give in just a little. It's almost like turning a pressure valve, hoping that I can control it enough to "blow off steam" and then shut the valve again. It never turns out that way...

What starts out as a little "Oh, this small thing won't hurt in the long run" turns into a downward spiral into sin. That "small thing" is usually something that leads to another thing, and then another, until I find myself doing the very big thing that I was consciously trying to avoid in the beginning. Recently, I've learned when and where that "small thing" pops up in my mind. I've learned to avoid that because I know it triggers the full-blown sin. (Imagine how life could change if God let each of us see all of our own sin-triggers!)

These are things that I've "learned" since returning home--but I do not know where and when they happened! It is a mystery that still puzzles me now because I find myself getting more strength from being weak (2 Corinthians 11:30), instead of shattering into pieces when I think I am strong.

Stay tuned for more...

Impact

There are times when the temptation builds and I am drawn to turn back from this life that I have chosen, and that has taken hold of me (Philippians 3:12). There are desires of my body which I have long felt are incompatible with what I believe in. These things, which cannot exist at the same time as faithful living, are components of "me" that I thought I had left behind in Louisiana.

I can't say that I am perfect, so I expect that the temptation will continue. To make a point, I quote James 1:13-14:

"When tempted, no one should say 'God is tempting me.' For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed."

Acknowledging this means owning up to the fact that I am the cause of my own problems. As I've said in an earlier post, the inverted life involves willingly accepting a change in who you are, even if you have to sacrifice part of who you were.

Wide Open...

I decided last week to enable comments on almost every post in the "Inverted Life" group of blogs. There are a few that do not have commenting enabled, primarily because I don't think that commenting there would go anywhere significant.

I also decided to reserve Imperfect Beginnings because it sounded good. Right now, there's nothing much there, but I might develop that one later.

Imperfect Beginnings

At a small group Bible study, we discussed Abram (later known as Abraham) and his trip to Egypt that comes in Genesis. During the trip, Abram lies about Sarai being his sister, not his wife, and causes a plague on Pharaoh's household. Pharaoh sends Abram away, but it seems like Abram still has a problem with lying. He meets Abimelech later on, lies again about Sarai, and almost gets Abimelech killed.

One of the group members mentioned that we as Christians often get characterized as being "judgemental" because we expect so much of the "sinners" around us. He's right. One of the interesting things about these incidents is that God called Abram to turn Abram's descendants into a great nation. But God didn't start out with the "perfect hero" type, he started with "Mr. Ordinary" Abram, who was just like the rest of us.

There is a very real lesson to be learned here, and one that I myself need to pay attention to: God starts working with us from our imperfect beginnings.

Surprise! Do you know what? God thinks that when we are in trouble, when we are broken, and when we are not perfect, that is the perfect time to begin working with us. Take it from Paul, who wrote this:

"You see at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:6-8)

The "Inverted Life" doesn't begin overnight, and it is never a complete change all at once to being perfect. The fact is, I'm never going to get there--I'm never going to be the perfect "model-Christian" that matches everything Jesus wants me to be (especially if I don't get up from this keyboard and do something once in a while).

I've certainly had my share of imperfect beginnings (maybe a title for a future blog?), but please don't for a moment think that the journey shouldn't be made, or that it isn't worth your time.

The Next Level: Spiritual Gifts

I think we might've gotten some ideas partly right and partly wrong in our heads. When it comes to spiritual gifts, I've begun to wonder if these "gifts" are a different concept than what I used to believe.

I used to think a spiritual gift was something that you had, all along, from the beginning of your life. I thought it was a thing that was built into what you are as a person, and that when you discovered what it was, then you could start serving God for real. Maybe that's true.

I think there are things that God builds into us right from the start (Psalm 139:13). I also think that God likes versatility, instead of making people who have just one specific purpose (1 Corinthians 12:6). God also wants the different purposes to be coordinated so that everybody does something that helps, instead of creating disorder (1 Corinthians 12:18-20). But I used to think that spiritual gifts were these things that were built into me from the get-go, and that what I had to work with was all I had.

That made me wonder "Where did God put all those spiritual gifts and talents for me?" I wondered where I could find them.

That's when an idea struck me. If you've played video games, then you're familiar with "Level ups" or "Power ups" that can come during the game, or after you complete certain sections of a game. No game designer would let you begin the game with those power ups because it would be too easy. It might even be boring.

I think that God has a similar thing going on. I believe that what a person experiences helps to determine his or her spiritual gifts. At the end of that experience, I think that sometimes God gives out a "level up" or a "power up" to a person. Maybe we do start life with certain spiritual gifts, but I'm beginning to believe that God is continuously at work within each of us, adding on new upgrades, adding new gifts and talents, and building us up so that as we pass through one stage in life, we get ready for the next.

Does God let us choose which path we take in life? If he does, then maybe all we have to do to get a specific spiritual gift is to "sign up" for it!

The Time to Worship

In church today, we sang "Now Is the Time to Worship" at the beginning:

Verse:
Come, now is the time to worship
Come, now is the time to give your heart
Come, just as you are to worship
Come, just as you are before your God
Come

Chorus:
One day every tongue will confess You are God
One day every knee will bow
Still, the greatest treasure remains for those
Who glady choose You now

At the end of worship, the song leader changed the lyrics in Power Point and showed a song where the word "Go" replaced "Come." The point is that not only should we "worship" in church assemblies, but that we should also "worship the Father in spirit and truth" (John 4:23). That means taking it outside into the street, down the alleyways of our cities and our towns, and into our own homes as well. It was a good point to make at the "end" of the scheduled "worship" that happened at church today.

The "time to worship" did not end when I left Louisiana, and it began a long time before I ever even thought about Christianity.