Inverted Life

Quiet Move

2009-12-19T22:42:00.006-05:00

The challenge is this: prayer is not a contest of wills, where ours can "win" and we get what we want.

Prayer is our attempt to put our will out of the picture long enough to let God's will in.

If prayer is not our attempt to prevail upon God and achieve what we want--changing God's mind, then it has to be something else. It has to be our attempt to let God's mind prevail in us, and for God's heart to prevail in us.

Through all the stresses, frustrations, and strains of 2009, I have found that anger has hardened my heart in the worst possible way. At the same time, I have begun to realize that perhaps my prayers have seemed hollow to me, even when other people at church appreciated what I had to say. They have seemed to me to be hasty and slipshod, constructed on a premise that came to mind at the last minute before I stood to lead the congregation in prayer.

I do not want to pick apart the idea of allowing God to speak--many of the notions in my prayers before the congregation have been worthwhile, valid and uplifting to others. I do believe God can use somebody like me to share His Word.

But I have been distant--praying only when it was asked of me, rather than "continually" (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18). I have stood in the distance too long this year, silent before the Lord, wondering if there is a way to say what's been on my mind and in my heart, never taking advantage of the fact that God has been waiting all year--even when I am not in church--and I have kept Him waiting.

Random Numbers

2008-10-21T22:22:00.003-04:00

So I was out searching for character names on Google, and I'll tell you more on the Imperfect Beginnings blog instead of this one.

I landed a few hits for a few names. I just don't want somebody to look at a book I write and think "Hey! He used some country star's name in that book!" or "Hey! He just used some ... star's name in that book!" Not very good for me, because I write science fiction as a hobby, and am pursuing publication.

So I landed at random in somebody's blog, checked things out and thought about bookmarking the thing. That reminded me that I haven't been much of a presence here at this blog. I had a few other landings on other names and identities, but I didn't find anything having to do with movie stars or known cultural icons. Some names might be altered so as not to fit with the people involved in my recent browsing, that they do not say "Hey! He just commented on my blog, and then he started using my name in his book!" Or worse, immortalize their name by riding my coattails. Okay, paranoid perhaps, but I don't like having real people names mixed in my fictional adventures.

But back to presence. I also haven't been much of a presence in other ways, perhaps even to the point of being a temporary theological lightweight. My recent behavior took a hit when I saw a segment from the Truth Project. Somebody pointed out that you can't believe God if you choose to stay addicted to pornography, to substances, to money, etc. Why is this? Not because God can't exist because of these things, but because real belief, real faith requires us to obey God and be faithful. And that would take us away from our addictions, now wouldn't it?

It would also take me away from being a theological lightweight. I remember this time two years ago, when I was going strong. I know God can do that. But I have to believe and call on God to make me act accordingly.

What's Your Load?

2008-05-04T21:52:00.003-04:00

I thought about this on the way home from work.

I have tons of emotional baggage. Correction: I used to have tons of emotional baggage. Jesus offered to take it away a long time ago. That baggage contains my sins, my failures, my own evil thoughts, as well as good thoughts gone wrong, attempts to do good that turned out okay but not quite the way I would have liked. I could go on for hours. Worries are also included in that strange pile of junk. Everything in that junk has a different size, a different shape, and a different weight. What a load of junk!

What's worse is that sometimes things get tossed in on top of that mess and I have to haul that along with everything else! It's junk, no better than a wheelbarrow full of drywall debris or garbage. I could, if I wanted to, load up with all that baggage each day of the rest of my life.

Or I could live without it.

What if I could load up one just one thing, and it never changed? Jesus tells us that whoever follows him must "deny himself, take up his cross and follow" but is that so bad? A cross is a pair of wood beams that is fastened together. It has a definite size, a definite shape, and a definite weight. That size, shape, and weight does not vary or change.

Tell me what you would rather do: haul all that emotional baggage and junk, or just two pieces of wood. It isn't always easy to carry, but it never gets any bigger or any heavier.

It brings new meaning to this other thing that Jesus said:

Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls, for my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

The inverted life is a life that is free from emotional baggage and sin. Living in freedom from sin means I have to carry a burden called "responsibility." Is that so hard?

The Boundary

2008-05-04T19:38:00.005-04:00

Have you ever gone "over the line?" or felt that somebody else "crossed the line" when they said something or did something to you? Maybe that person did not do something directly to you, but to somebody you knew. But whatever the reason, suddenly you were offended and you reacted. Reactions for me come in all shapes and sizes. Recently, I learned a life lesson.

It comes from Romans 12:18 which basically amounts to this:

Whatever you do, and whatever anybody else does to you, try your best to manage your end of things. Try your best not to fight when somebody else starts it, and try your best not to start any fights.

Although Paul's letter to the Romans does not say it in so many words, I think that's basically what it means: try to avoid fighting and arguments.

I found another interesting quote last year: "The aim of an argument or discussion should not be victory, but progress." Joseph Joubert, a French moral philosopher who lived between 1754 and 1824 said that.

What I try to live in the verse from Romans holds me to a very high standard, one that I cannot follow myself. But what if I do fail? I guess that's where the second quote comes in. Nothing I fight over should be anything that is not worth fighting over. And I should not be fighting to get the last word, or to be the winner. I think Paul would agree that I should be fighting to make a situation better, not worse.

The life lesson I learned recently is this: anybody might "cross the line," by doing or saying something offensive, but the inverted life is one where I can choose to move my personal boundaries. This has changed my part of what I think it means to forgive.

Sicilian Defense

2008-02-20T23:45:00.002-05:00

The inverted life is anything but perfect. I am human and there are things that affect me, and there are things that I allow to affect me.

Recently, the preacher at my church has featured spiritual formation as a topic in his sermons. One series covered the different temptations he has either witnessed in others or experienced himself in ministry:

1.) The temptation to be relevant
2.) The temptation to be spectacular
3.) The temptation to be powerful

He related these to Matthew 4:1-11 when Jesus is being tempted.

Spiritual formation was also a topic at a church retreat that I was able to attend a couple weeks ago. I was surprised by the familiarity of that topic, not because I have studied the topic, but because I think it fits part of what got the inverted life started.

During the retreat, we studied how change comes from within. A person starts in solitude, making up his or her mind and heart. The inner change prompts similar people to gather, creating communities of people. The communities then affect the people around them, and the external change creates movements that affect all of society.

I remember the first trip to Louisiana, when I sat on the bus heading home, and saw the devastated landscape revert to normal. I remember coming away with something in my heart, an inarticulate prayer that slowly resolved to this:

"God, please do not let me go back to my life the way it used to be."

The change on the inside changed me on the outside, but it lasted only a few months before the stresses and strains of the world crept back in.

There are days when I cry out for that transformation to come back. I was at peace, I took less time to forgive, and I took way more time to be offended.

One day, I pray that God will give back what I had back then. It may not be exactly the same, but I want that transformation. I know it costs something, but that doesn't change the fact that I want it.

I leave you with this: "Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind" (Romans 12:1-2).

Hot Spots

2007-11-25T22:18:00.000-05:00

They're the annoying memories from the past. The worst are the "hot spots" the ones that get me angry all over again. Why is that?

The Bible indirectly tells us that our anger can lead to sin (Psalm 4:4), and I think it's even worse when it comes through from the past.

Just like acid reflux, I have a problem with "anger reflux." I get annoyed or irritated or frustrated by things that happened to me in the past. I'm sure that part of this is because I'm human. I have the same problems that everybody else who puts up with anger has.

I call "anger reflux" a "hot spot." Have you ever thought about an argument that happened a long time ago, or have you ever been offended a long time ago? When you remember it again, does it still get you angry? That's what I call a "hot spot." It's when I get angry all over again.

I can't let that control my (inverted) life, because then my anger gets the best of me, and worse things could happen (Genesis 4:6-7). In the passage I just linked, Cain is angry because God does not accept his sacrifice. God warns Cain about this anger.

It's already bad enough, detrimental enough to me, to do bad things when I am angry. It's even worse to let a memory get me angry as a "hot spot."

The inverted life is a forgiving life. That means that I have to forgive others when they offend me. But I have come to learn that "forgiving" is not just a one-time action that gets finished as soon as it starts, "forgiving" is an ongoing decision requiring time and prayer.

Yes, when I first forgive a person, it counts for now and forever with God. But if I dredge up the memory of that incident, I must point out to myself that I already forgave that incident! It must be as forgiven now as it was when it first happened, no matter how long ago it happened, and no matter how many times it got repeated.

Matthew 18:21-35 tells us what Jesus has to say about forgiving sins, and how it has to be "from [my] heart."

Eventually the hot spots cool off, but I have found that reminding myself that something is already forgiven cools it off a lot faster.

Shatter...

2007-10-13T01:57:00.000-04:00

There are times when my anger gets the better of me. It has been a problem from the "get go" and stopped only once, during a period last year when my whole idea of the meaning of life got flipped upside-down. There are times when I, in my anger, sin. Sometimes I vent, rather than take control, and that can have an impact not only on myself, but on those around me.

I am reminded that nobody is perfect, least of all me.

The inverted life is not about shortcomings, but about how God can turn shortcomings into success stories. It seems that I still can recognize God's will in my life, but I just have trouble acting on it.

So, perhaps I can escape from the ruin I've allowed things to become.

If it ever comes up on the FineTune playlist (this is not a shameless plug) built into this blog, listen carefully to the lyrics of Third Day's song: Cry Out to Jesus... It's been stuck in my head all day. I'm like the one who "can't break the addictions and chains."

I need as much to cry out to Jesus as anybody else.

When the inverted life shatters under the pressure from the world, who else is there to help?

It's Like Not Even Being There...

2007-09-14T20:27:00.000-04:00

I might as well not show up for my own life if I'm going to ignore it. I spend a lot of time losing sleep over the very things that used to seem so unimportant to me in the past. These things should not be so important to me, but I get distracted and lead a worried life.

I claim that I am a correspondance course teacher for a few students who email me the answers to their World Bible School lessons. I am supposed to reply fairly quickly, but I had been so busy worrying and avoiding the things that mattered, that I might as well leave the student wondering if I even exist. But that would not be a good thing.

We all go through times when we're not entirely focused on life. But life still goes on. Dirty laundry piles up, grass grows, and paint peels. Children grow, people live, and people die. Jesus did not want us to get distracted and get sucked into our own worries and our own little thoughts in our own little world.

One of the things that I liked about last fall was that my worries were different. I was worried a great deal about Louisiana and the ongoing reconstruction efforts. I was concerned about whether I was supposed to be there, and I spent a lot of time thinking about other people as a result. Granted, I had a lot of things in my life to handle and be concerned with, and those things required my attention just like anything else. It was okay to deal with these things and continue to move along in life. The thing that concerned me a couple of weeks ago was the way that distracted period swallowed up all of my attention and left me feeling hollow.

When I was concerned about others, I think I had things right in my life. I believe that Jesus wants us to be concerned about others. He tells us to "seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow" (Matthew 6: 33-34). If we are busy in the present, paying attention to what God places before us, and if we pay attention to the blessings He sends our way, from awareness about our world to awareness about His presence in our hearts, I think the other things tend to fall into place.

It's been a long time since I put that notion back in the forefront of my mind. It's been a long time since I put my attention and my focus back on the Kingdom of God. I remember what it felt like--it felt like being free.

Now I just want to get back to that again. It might not be easy to get the ball rolling, but I believe it will be worth it.

Full Circle

2007-08-06T08:23:00.000-04:00

It's amazing how things come all the way back to where they started. Having new experiences with old friends counts in my book. Last week, I got a chance to spend time with some of the people I volunteered with last year. As a group, we headed back to Louisiana for another trip. The group hung drywall, laid tile, painted, tore down siding and put up plywood. I got to see progress at a place where I had helped in April. What had been slab concrete, brick, and studs in April now has drywall, painting, flooring, and almost all the fixtures installed. It was an amazing thing to see the difference. That was going "full circle" in a good way.

Life sometimes goes full circle in a bad way. Just last week, Dad had an accident with a deer on the highway. The car still runs, but the cost of repairing the damage would be more than the cost of obtaining a used car. Over ten years ago, somebody else in the family had an accident with a deer, and that car had to be replaced.

For a while, I wondered why God would let things like this happen, but I'm not about to give up believing. I have seen more than enough to convince me, and more than enough to convict me. The full circle that life sometimes takes may be a way for God to communicate with us. Maybe He wants to say "Here's the problem you had a while ago. Can you do a better job this time?" It might also be a way to say "Get up and get going. I never promised that you would be safe."

It's got me thinking again, about where I belong. If I hadn't been going "full circle" on the trip to Louisiana, I would have been in the car with Dad. Would I have been able to make a difference? Possibly. But since I wasn't there, that difference is impossible for me to make. In fact, even my body weight could've made a difference. For all I know, I could have made the accident even worse.

So we come full circle mentally: Do I belong in Ohio? Could my time and energy be better spent in Louisiana, or in some other place where help is needed? The question has remained in the back of my mind for a long time, and seeing things in life circle round again makes the question come back also.

Invert...

2007-06-20T20:20:00.001-04:00

If you read the Servants Unite blog, you probably don't need to re-read anything there. But for those who might not have been introduced, here's a really good, and very thought provoking post: What Keeps Us From Missions? It is a long post, but I believe it is well worth the reading. I believe it well enough to leave you with no other thought of my own for the evening, except this:

I have felt and experienced a lot of what the author was thinking in the post, but I have never seen it so well-worded.

Fairy Chess

2007-05-31T08:11:00.000-04:00

One of the toughest struggles in life can be to take criticism. I don't mean to say "hey everybody, criticize me now," but if I have the right attitude, I'm supposed to be open to improvement. After all, the inverted life can't be lived alone, and the inverted life can't be lived without access to important information. If both these things are true, then something has to give.

Again, I'm not asking to be bombarded (though if you want to put a comment on this thing, I won't get in your way) with criticism. I'm not openly inviting it. Instead, I am trying to focus my mind on my activities and to ask: "if it comes to criticism, what will this activity get?" Even things that might get a lot of criticism may still be worth doing.

It is important to us that our voices are heard in areas like customer feedback. We all want to voice our opinions in politics, and we vote accordingly. All these are forms of criticism. Ideally, it would all be constructive, but in real life, criticism ranges from a fifty-fifty split, to being mostly negative. But it doesn't have to be that way.

Remaining open to criticism will not be easy, but I believe it helped me quell impulses I once had no control over. It added one extra inhibition--if I ask how others might view an action, it adjusts how I myself see the same action.

I remember noticing the change in the middle of July 2006 at work. The computer wasn't working quite the way it should. I was about to react, when a question crossed the back of my mind: "Am I really as angry as I think I am?" The reaction I made was much smaller, and far less of an outburst, and that buildup of frustration vented without it showing to others.

That was only part of it. People at work who remembered all the curses and bad words I used to say--especially when computers broke down and destroyed my work--stopped seeing me the same way. In August or September last year, when I was hearing criticism, I asked a co-worker: "can you remember how many bad words I've said since last month?" The expression on his face changed. He admitted that he hadn't heard the usual string of phrases from me when the computers messed up my work.

I leave you with a verse: "Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart" (2 Timothy 2:22).

Isolated Pawn

2007-04-30T20:04:00.000-04:00

The question I have is whether I have the right attitude. It is not an easy attitude to have: being gentle, being humble, being patient, bearing with others with love, and making every effort to keep peace. These are things that Ephesians 4:1-6 tells us are part of the life I should be living.

When I am angry, I know I am not gentle. I am not patient when I get distracted, or when the computer databases I work with break down. I am certainly unbearable to be around if I am angry--and that means I can be downright unloving and even belligerent.

Acknowledging these faults is a far cry from actually taking steps to rehabilitate. Really, though, I think they all come from being impatient. On my latest trip to Louisiana, I had the chance to become angry because of my impatience--but I didn't. Instead, I kept on working. In attempting to set up a new blog about the most recent trip, I had another chance to become angry because of my impatience (Blogger kept having errors). Again, I didn't. Instead, I restructured my blog to take advantage of the new post label feature.

That's where Chess comes in. Something that kept me patient in Louisiana (on all my trips) was the presence of other volunteers. Something that kept me patient at the computer last weekend was the fact that the errors only forced me to begin something that I had already thought about doing anyway. I was not alone in Louisiana, and I was not uninformed at home.

An isolated pawn happens when a single pawn is left without any pawns of the same color nearby. Isolated pawns become weaknesses as the game of Chess progresses.

Isolated people become weak also. The inverted life requires non-isolation. To keep the faith, a person needs friends, associates, and fellow believers (Hebrews 10:25). The inverted life also needs wisdom and knowledge that is accessible on call (Psalm 119:11). A lack of both of these things puts me in a very weak position, just like a pawn without anything protecting it. The social side of faith is essential because each one of my "fellow believers" has knowledge, wisdom, and experience that always seems to come just in time, right when I need it the most.

This is one of the reasons why I said in my last post that the inverted life "sometimes takes outside help."

...Be of Sin The Double Cure

2007-04-10T02:28:00.000-04:00

The inverted life is not one where you can simply and easily purge all worldly influences in one fell swoop. A few months ago, I lost track of that fact. I fell away from God in anger, sin, and fear, and forgot that trusting him means more than what I thought it did.

For five months after my second trip, some of my worst habits seemed to vanish, and I thought I was free from their influences. But then I had a relapse of my illness.

The inverted life is not about being perfect before you come to God. It's also not about cleaning up your life before God can put your talents to use in the Kingdom.

I have had that problem, thinking I had to clean up my life before I could offer it fully to God. Jesus says: "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. But go and learn what this means: 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice.' For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners." (Matthew 9:12-13) So, at the end of those five months of freedom I slipped back into all my bad habits. Then I became bitter at myself. What had I done wrong? Another question might have gone through my mind at that time also: what had God done wrong?

I have to admit that I am still sick. I don't have to revel in this, or boast in it, or wallow in it. But I have to admit that I'm still stuck with a spiritual disease that could've been terminal: sin. And then I have to go back to the spiritual "doctor" to get it diagnosed.

The injured and the sick need a doctor, but after the diagnosis comes the cure. That's where I had a problem: many cures require extensive therapy. In America, our worst disorders include cancer, obesity, arthritis, hypertension, atherosclerosis, diabetes, and other disorders that can be treated early and even prevented. If left unchecked, the progression of some of these can be debilitating, or worse--terminal. The blame should not fall on the doctor if the patient refuses treatment. So I cannot blame God for what went wrong.

Many treatment plans require a change in lifestyle, not just simple pill-popping. As in medical cases, spiritual lifestyle changes require discipline (Hebrews 12:4-11).

Returning home from last week's trip to Louisiana, I was reminded of this by John McGuire. Maybe there will be some posts from that trip soon. I'll have to get my thoughts collected first.

As for my treatment regimen, this isn't something that a single post on a blog will cure. It takes more than that, and it sometimes takes outside help. Would anybody like to join me?

P.S. The Inverted Life now has music. The tracks range from the inspirational to the conventional. Enjoy, and let me know what you think!

Gefilte Fish

2007-04-09T15:29:00.000-04:00

Never had it before. For that matter, I've never known a time when I've had egg matzo before. Some of the people where I work are Jewish, so they brought some of these things in and I thought, I'd like to have a try.

Interesting.

Easter Eggs

2007-04-08T08:28:00.000-04:00

I'm sure today that all kind of eggs are getting hidden for Easter, whether they are hard-boiled, or chocolate, or candy filled, I'm sure there are children all over the place getting ready to hide or find those eggs. "Easter eggs" are also those nifty hidden features included in computer programs, usually in games.

But there are "easter eggs," or little nifty things that sometimes pop out at me from the Bible. One "easter egg" that blew my mind a while back is this: 1st Corinthians 11:23-26

I think this is what blew my mind: Jesus gives thanks for the bread. That bread is a symbol of his body, his life, and the fact that he is about to sacrifice both by being crucified.

Maybe my interpretation is imprecise, but in the New International Version, there is this "easter egg." When this was read aloud during Sunday morning worship a few months ago, I realized that as Jesus gave thanks for the bread, he was giving thanks for something else.

Jesus was giving thanks for the chance God had given him--the chance to come to Earth, to be "pierced for our transgressions," and to be "crushed for our iniquities" (Isaiah 53:5). Because of this we are saved.

But how many of us could be like Jesus, and give thanks for the opportunity to lose something precious to us? How many of us could be like Jesus, and even give thanks for the opportunity to lose our lives?

Today, we celebrate the fact that Jesus did not simply lay down his life, he took it up again. We celebrate that our Savior could die and come back to life again (John 10:17-18)

Happy Easter!

The Emotional Minefield...

2007-03-14T22:56:00.000-04:00

Tread carefully... Have you ever been in a conversation and felt it was heading somewhere? Have you ever wanted it to head somewhere else?

I remember spending a week with this feeling hanging over me, that something would happen later in the week, and that that "something" was going to be bad. So I did what I could to keep from bringing that "something" down on myself. I could feel a sort of tension in the air, like a coiled spring waiting to unleash, or to be more accurate, like a fully charged thundercloud about to let loose the first lightning bolt. I knew I was walking in an emotional minefield, and I wanted to get out...

Have you ever seen a person just "blow up?" Suddenly, that little thing that you said turns into a shouting match. Be it a discussion of politics at the office, or the mention of a past hurt among family members, or something totally unpredictable, you find yourself at the center of a massive explosion of emotion. It's the emotional minefield...

Minefields do not simply "happen." They are created when the army on one side of a war wants to deny the other army access to roads, to buildings, even to land itself. The most vicious mines aren't targeted at soldiers, they're called "antipersonnel mines" because they're targeted at people in general. Mines have killed or wounded thousands of innocent people. The worst part of minefields is that usually they are concealed, and you never know you're in one until the first mine goes off.

Every one of us has "triggers," as psychologists call them. They're the things that get under our skin, the things that are hot-buttons for debate, the things that we cannot shut up and tolerate! We should realize them, but sometimes they just "pop up" like an annoying window in the middle of our screens. Almost instinctively, we respond, and we say things that we often look back on with deep regret.

This minefield is nothing new, in fact it's been around since before land mines even existed (James 3)! Blow for blow, the author describes the tongue of humans, and how difficult it is to tame: "Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be." (James 3:10)

I wish I could say I have the answer, but most of the time, I do not. In fact, there are times when even I stumble on somebody else's minefield and... BOOM! There are times when I let people walk into my minefield as well. Unknowingly, they step somewhere that they shouldn't and... KABLOOIE!

The Bible gives us a good suggestion: perhaps we ought to learn to "sow in peace" (James 3:18) instead of laying mines. Perhaps, if we could sow enough seeds of peace, strengthen enough friendships, we could protect each other from the evil that lies buried in ourselves. If we follow this truth, perhaps we might one day unbury that evil and defuse it.

For more information about physical minefields, see the Wikipedia article on land mines.

Implode!

2007-02-12T08:22:00.000-05:00

I know a sin trigger when I see it! That seems like such an insignificant thing, but it means more to me. By identifying it in myself, I might have a chance at resisting.

Anger.

But wait, isn't that one fairly obvious? After all, we are told "in your anger, do not sin" (Psalm 4:4 and Ephesians 4:26). Fairly obvious, but the inner workings of this are different now. I used to sin out of an immediate reaction resulting from anger.

Now I sin when it builds up inside of me, when I keep it contained, and when I am repeatedly provoked before I get a chance to blow off all the steam. It amounts to saying "please hold on the line until you get the O.M.C.!" All you have to do is continually push until something snaps back at you.

So this isn't just a single trigger, it's a double. There's one that is immediate, and there is another that is prolonged. Knowing that fact may help me, when people carelessly tread into areas that they do not realize are emotionally charged. Stay tuned for the emotional minefield, that's a can of worms for another post to tackle.

Interesting Chris

2007-01-04T22:32:00.000-05:00

After a series of attempts to get the layouts and templates to do exactly what I wanted them to do, I've discovered that they will not. For the most part, however, the Inverted Life family of blogs is fully operational again.

I am quite satisfied with the elements and their appearance, well enough now to know that I need to leave "well enough" alone. Life is full of little frustrations that can balloon out of control unless we realize that they are happening.

The inverted life is about giving up control of everything in life. Okay, so God isn't going to micromanage us and decide whether we have bologna sandwiches one day and salami sandwiches the next--but He provides us with the meat, the bread, and the choice of which to use. He also provides us with the chance to thank Him for what He provides.

Last night, I got about 2 hours of sleep because I was trying to micromanage the layouts of each blog. That's not good for me, and I know that I've gotten more frustrated today because of it. However, I am thankful that I have access to blog software, and that I have a chance to spread the word online.

Because of that, while there are many little things I might nag about, I will say that the layout changes are finished, and give up that desire for control to God.

Grand Stream

2007-01-04T02:51:00.000-05:00

Having been offered the chance to switch to the new version of Blogger, I will adjust the settings within these blogs. I am doing this because I've found out that eventually, all Blogger blogs will be required to operate in the new version. I figure that I might as well get used to the new system.

At this point in time, if this causes a disruption in service, I will not be blogging very often for a while anyway. I have thoughts and journal entries to condense, and will begin posting at the Third Trip blog as soon as possible after I've finished getting situated.

Let's see where this leads, shall we?

Reading List: The Red Ember in the White Ash

2006-12-09T15:00:00.000-05:00

A couple of months ago, I made another trip to the library and brought back The Red Ember in the White Ash, by Lloyd John Ogilvie. At the time, I did not know what I would find inside, and so I was pleasantly surprised. It also speaks to the rebuilding, though not specifically to disaster recovery like Soul Storm. It is still an interesting reading, covering Paul's letters to Timothy. These letters carry applications to life today. You can find out more about The Red Ember in the White Ash here.

The author puts forth these letters and other Bible verses as a way we can re-ignite our passion for God. I was particularly interested in the character analysis put forth in Chapter Six: Quelling the Fire-Quenchers, where the author quotes from 2 Timothy 3: 1-5 (NKJV). Ogilvie expands this scripture into a powerful tool for self-analysis that encourages (and challenges) the reader to look inward critically. I had to take this chapter much slower than the rest of the book. I could probably gain more from it if I wrote down what I find as I follow along.

This kind of self-examination isn't easy to do, but I've seen where I have problems. In the same way that people say "If you've seen one cockroach in your house, there are probably more that you did not see" this kind of self-examination can help us turn over more stones than we may be comfortable doing.

But these problem areas impede our ability to serve Jesus. The inverted life isn't about coming to Jesus and forcing him to accept me as I am, it is about coming to Jesus and accepting the changes he wants to make in me. That means not only praying for meaningful change to come but also working toward that change in my relationship with him.

Swindle

2006-12-01T02:41:00.000-05:00

I was reading the Volunteer Blog at the Hilltop Rescue web site last night, and noticed that somebody's been adding comment spam to the postings.

I've also reflected on what happens when people deliberately hurt other people. Doesn't anybody ever wonder what happens when they create a victim? I've got a theory, and it shows an even uglier side to the already "as-ugly-as-sin" world that sin has created here on Earth.

Person A has the ability to help Person B.
Person C deliberately harms Person A.
The damage to Person A prevents Person A from helping Person B.
Person B has been denied help because of actions of Person C.

My conclusion? Person C has just harmed TWO PEOPLE.

Here's what I wonder: Would God hold Person C accountable for the indirect harm that has been caused to Person B by preventing Person A from helping Person B?

I leave you with this quote:

"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." (James 1:27)

Making Material

2006-11-29T00:53:00.000-05:00

Of all the weird things I've thought of lately, it's the fact that the disaster relief efforts in the Gulf are about to change. I've considered this fact in A Third Trip?

One of the weird ideas that popped into my head this morning was something I'd thought of a few months ago: "are there classes where people can learn the basics of construction?" The answer to that question is "yes." The answer is "yes," not just in Google, but also in MSN Live Search and even in Yahoo! Search.

The odd thought I had was whether there are people in the world who have taken classes and training in construction just for doing disaster relief work. I knew somebody who was trained in search and rescue--finding people trapped in debris and rubble. That person must've trained just for that specific ability, is there any reason why somebody wouldn't train themselves just to be able to rebuild after a disaster?

Takeback!

2006-11-20T00:53:00.000-05:00

Ever hear the quote: "The best offense is a good defense?" Or was it the other way around: "the best defense is a good offense?"

Perhaps this is the reason why the psalmist writes: "I have hidden your word in my heart / that I might not sin against you" (Psalm 119:11).

I've noticed that in the past couple weeks, my struggle with anger has been single-handed. A downhill battle has ensued because I haven't been relying on God for strength. When I say "downhill" I don't mean a gentle slope, I'm thinking more of a jet-powered luge, bobsled, or skeleton race! We don't just need God for defense in the actual battle, but also for setting up a strategy for that battle.

Having a well-organized strategy won't keep me from being a target (Matthew 12:43-44), but I believe that's where a "hidden word" can be useful. I've used them like spiritual "land mines"--and I've set off a few before and seen what a difference they can make. The right word at the right time can remind me that I am always in God's sight, or it can remind me that God won't ever let me get overloaded (1st Corinthians 10:13). That can be just what I need when I'm struggling.

I could use a few extra "hidden words" in my list. When it comes to resisting the urge to sin, which verses do you like to keep in your arsenal?

Develop

2006-11-18T22:37:00.000-05:00

The calling of a lifetime, right? Live the inverted life, right? But what is that life? Is the inverted life just a way to get back to Louisiana and volunteer more? Is it about staying here in Ohio and working to help keep things going here? Is it about praying for the volunteers, the troops in Iraq, or the children of drug addicts? I am finding that the inverted life isn't something that I can apply to others--because I am not that special and I am not better than anybody else. My life is not a standard by which other lives are judged.

Actually, the inverted life is something that each of us has to find.

I believe that this is a "general" calling, something that everybody receives from God is a calling to follow Him (Matthew 11:28-30). The message isn't for specific people, but for "all you who labor and are heavy laden," for anybody and everybody who is carrying their own guilt and sin on their backs. This is a message for everybody.

My calling is no different from yours--to live the inverted life, where we put God above all of our other priorities in life.

Discovered Attack

2006-11-08T01:41:00.000-05:00

I've spent the entire day angry, even after trying to leave my anger behind me. The anger seethed in the background for most of the day, and I excused myself from work because I was certain that I would explode if I was given the slightest reason.

I will not blog while I am angry, so I waited all the way until now before I wrote anything at all.

Wouldn't it be nice if humans could forgive and forget? Wouldn't it be nice if we could turn off our memories of when people insulted us or hurt our feelings? I've had trouble with that in the past, and today might be the same. I believe that forgiving is an ongoing process where we must first say: "I decided that I would not become angry about what happened." I believe human memory can be encoded very rapidly from short-term to long-term memory, creating my problem of forgetting. Once an incident gets into my long-term memory, it's there for the long haul. I've only deliberately forgotten one or two things in my entire life. Things that make me angry are hard to forget.

If I am to live the inverted life, I have to be willing to forgive somebody "seventy times seven" times (Matthew 18:15-22). If you do the math, that just means "490 times." That's a lot of times to forgive a person. What the verse really means is "always forgive people who do bad things to you." Keep doing it until you've lost count.

I can't turn my memory off like a faucet or a light switch--that means I can't control when something will remind me of a bad memory. My anger might flare up, my adrenalin might surge, I might relive the whole situation. I might've been livid at the time, but that's when it's time to say:

"I decided that I would not become angry about what happened."

At least for me, forgiving is not a one-time action, it is a day-to-day process. Most days, I don't get reminded of bad memories, but on some days, I have to consciously force myself to relinquish the anger of the past. That is not an easy thing to do, and for me, it doesn't always work either!

I leave you with a favorite quote of mine:

"Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die."

Positional Play

2006-11-04T10:36:00.000-05:00

So what do you do when you're waiting on that call from God? The "sealed move" is that calling whose opportunity is not yet come, possibly a thing that He has "prepared in advance for us to do" (Ephesians 2:10) in the future instead of right now. Maybe God has something that He needs you to do, but there are things to do first. In Chess, the things that you do (build pawn structure, develop pieces, control space) to set up your strategy are "positional play." You do these little things to get yourself in position to make the big move. Once you're ready, then you begin making the big moves that change the course of the game.

The stuff you do to get ready in life may involve study, exercise, preparation, and something else that is paramount: prayer. Without God's guidance, how does a person answer a calling in life anyway?

The inverted life is not about forcing God to accept you for what you are or forcing God to use you for a purpose that you have chosen. The inverted life is about recognizing that God accepts you now and that He is the one who will change you into what you need to be, and set you on a course for what He has chosen. That may be a thing that you do not want, a thing that takes you out of your comfort zone, or perhaps something completely unexpected.

In Chess, the positional play is just as important as the endgame. If you do not set up your strategy the right way, your options will become limited, and you may even lose the game! It is no coincidence that the inverted life mirrors Chess in this: we must "run in such a way as to get the prize." (1 Corinthians 9:24) Just like Chess, the inverted life requires a plan.

Thankfully, God has that part "prepared in advance." It is up to us to trust that plan as we go.

Sealed Move

2006-10-31T23:06:00.000-05:00

If I get any reader who is interested in Last Exile, they will notice that I've been borrowing post titles from some episodes of that anime series. They, in turn, happen to be borrowing episode titles from Chess terminology.

After long deliberation, I have reached a decision concerning future trips to Louisiana. I will continue to search for opportunities for short-term volunteering. Long term volunteering may become a possibility in the future, but I will wait until God opens that way up for me. Earlier posts indicate that I was struggling with this decision.

Part of the struggles we face when we are trying to decide come from the fact that we try to decide. Sometimes, the best thing to do to a difficult decision is to give it to God and let Him decide. So, even though this decision has taken a long time to make, and even though I have felt a lot of stress in coming to this decision, I have tried to lay it in God's hands.

This decision represents a sort of "sealed move" to me, because it has taken me a lot of time to decide. I have stopped and restarted the process of deciding in many different settings, and at many different times. I will continue to pray for peace in having decided, I will continue to pray for volunteers everywhere, dealing with disaster relief everywhere.

And I will count this sealed move as a prayer answered by God.

All Over Again

2006-10-25T20:25:00.000-04:00

I haven't gone back to my novel since I started blogging. As an aspiring SF and Fantasy author, I had all kind of ideas running around in my head all the time. My focus recently has been this blog, and I've enjoyed adding posts to it on a somewhat irregular basis--whenever the inspiration struck me, I'd get that glint in my eye, and go write a post.

My focus has shifted back (at least for a while) on the novel I've been working on since early 2002. It's fun to go back into those chapters all over again, revise, rework, and consider the implications of the different ideas there. Going to Louisiana did change me, so I find it interesting that the part of me that was a writer still is a writer. God may have a purpose with this, and I would like to explore it.

But God may also have a purpose with other aspects of my life. Actually, I keep saying "may" when I should say "does." I've got another book on my reading list, which I'll explain in a different post. Here's a link to that post if you want to read that.

As a random thought, I leave you with the lyrics to another Steven Curtis Chapman song: "The Mountain..."

Incompatible

2006-10-20T09:44:00.000-04:00

Just last post, I mentioned that I've improved at seeing the things that are wrong with my life.

Between that post and this post, I overreacted at work at least one time that I can remember. By "overreacting," I mean that I allowed the day's hectic schedule to affect me so that I wound up expressing my anger in a way that is not productive.

The fact is that things are going to get more and more hectic because of timing. Where I work, business experiences an upswing during the fall and Christmas seasons. More customers, more orders, more backorders, more "questions-that-certain-people-have-to-deal-with-immediately," and more distractions all lead to more stress. It affects everybody, and what's worse--we are just warming up. How can I say that I am a different person, when I react in anger the way that I did?

How can I show that my attitude is based on following Christ? How do I reach people if my own behavior is incompatible with the message I am supposed to carry?

I should upgrade that question to make the real issue stand out: "If I claim to be a Christian, then why do I still sin? Now that I'm supposed to be a 'different person,' why do I still fall back into my old habits?"

The inverted life is a "life" not a one-time decision. I'm going to keep running into that question everywhere I go. Guess what? I'm going to keep running into that question even when (especially when) I think I've got the answers all figured out.

Pursuit

2006-10-17T00:30:00.000-04:00

People might think I boast.

I wish I could "boast" and say that "I'm glad that I'm in a situation where I feel like I'm pulled both ways--by the needs I see around me and the needs I see in Louisiana!" I wish I could call that "boasting."

If I took that third trip on a leap of faith, then I would be taking my immediate family on that leap with me--over a jump that I may be wrong to make! It takes the combined income of my work and my Dad's work just to pay the bills, and save a small amount each month--we've worked it out in spreadsheets. That small amount vanishes if I leave, then that sends Dad and Mom sliding back down without enough money to even pay the bills. Maybe God is down there, ready to catch us if we fall, but: "It is also written: 'Do not put the Lord your God to the test.'" (Matthew 4:1-11)

I wish I could "boast" and say that my strength saved me, or that my strength broke a cycle of addiction in my life. I wish I could say that, but that would be a lie! Then I would be taking all the credit for work that God did. I didn't decide: "Gee, just for the fun of it, maybe I'll come back and act differently," or "Hey God, wouldn't it be cool if I had different thoughts and ideas after these trips?" I didn't think to myself: "I'll make a list of things that need to be changed and then I'll change all of them right now." (Proverbs 16:2)

I say that I've been transformed, but how? Where is the evidence, when workdays become hectic and I feel stress and strain and start taking it out on others? Where is the proof that I'm any different than who I used to be? When I still react to the world around me, how can I say that I am any different than I was before, when there is no physical evidence?

The fact is, when I say that "I've been changed," it's because I keep on discovering things--things that I thought I knew about myself before, but that I had all wrong before. I keep on discovering things that are wrong in my life, wrong in my thinking, wrong in my behavior, and wrong in my actions! (Romans 3:23)

The difference--at least the only difference I can see so far--is that I've gone from zero percent of recognizing those things to at least one percent. And that means, considering all the wrong in the world, that I have to at least try to be different. Whatever you do, don't expect me to stop sinning. Don't hold your breath, people! (Romans 7:7-24)

I didn't just "change" all at once. The problem with what I see is that I started changing, and now I have to keep going. The inverted life is not a life that begins all at once. This is a pursuit that I am not allowed to end, no matter how easy or comfortable it would be to switch back to the way I was. I value all the little, insignificant variances that have been introduced to my behavior. I have come to realize that the changes will only get more and more demanding. My life is constrained to a path where I have to decide whether I go forward or back. I realize now, that any step that does not go forward only leads backward, and that the cost of turning back like that is unthinkable. (Hebrews 10:26-31)

And then, an old Steven Curtis Chapman song comes to mind: "Burn the ships..."

Blasted

2006-10-13T17:11:00.000-04:00

I was sitting at my desk at work when something crossed my mind. At the time, my mind was blank as I shifted from one task to another. I can multitask, but I don't do it too often because that's just not the way my mind works. So my blank mind must've had some other thought go through it, like an actor dashing from one wing to the other, in full view of the audience, when he realizes his entrance is supposed to be from stage left instead of stage right. It was a thought of Louisiana, and I then spent a couple of minutes caught in a blast of nostalgia.

I went shooting down Memory Lane at high speed, accompanied by an extreme longing to be back down there volunteering. I don't know why that happened, but as fast as it started, it was over again.

Immediately thereafter, my thoughts shifted back to the things I needed to do at work, and I quickly forgot what had happened. After work, the memory of what happened came back. I still don't know what that experience meant.

Transpose

2006-10-13T00:49:00.000-04:00

"We've always called you 'O.M.C.' for short," said my brother, in a telephone call as we prepared to visit him and his wife in his new home.

"The 'O.M.C.'? What's that?" I asked, less concerned about who my brother meant by "we" than by what the initials O.M.C. stood for.

My brother said that he always used "O.M.C." affectionately, and that it stood for "Old Man Chris." That's funny--there is an O.M.C. in my past--but not all of it matches how my brother might've characterized it.

All of my life, I've been the bookish, studious, non-athletic son. I'm shorter than my brother, and since I have a lazy eye, my hand-eye coordination has always been lacking. I used to fall down a lot as a child. Actually, this is related to my eyesight also. What passes for "balance" in my body is actually my continual awareness of pressure on my feet as well as the balance of my inner ear. I walk on the balls of my feet, something abnormal that is caused by the fact that I am adapting to poor eyesight. As a result, I can lose my balance easily, but I have become quite agile in getting balance back without falling.

Being non-athletic, I was shy as a result, and since Mom and Dad divorced, I became introverted and withdrawn. I became afraid of speaking to crowds, let alone individual people. I also became easily-angered and became aggressive, profane, and destructive when I was angry.

I (sometimes jealously) watched my brother bloom socially, but felt emotionally stunted and unable to participate at the level of others. I was never very outgoing, but I was always empathic--if somebody else was in trouble, or sad, or feeling down, I picked up on that emotion even if I didn't tell the other person about my feelings.

I am still that way.

For years, I wondered if I had a purpose, or whether God made me from his collection of "spare parts." I've heard the saying: "God doesn't make junk" but I sometimes felt like I had broken something, or like I hadn't understood the instruction manual for how I was supposed to work. That person, my version of the "Old Man Chris" has been changed.

My ability to "pick up on an emotion" is what made me want to do something to help after the attacks on September 11th, 2001. That same empathy is what made me want to do something to help in the Gulf, including the fact that I am still considering a third trip to volunteer.

The O.M.C. is the unadventurous character that got me into this in the first place. He never took risks, never was outgoing, and rarely ever acted on the spur of the moment. He was shy and introverted. But the O.M.C. is the one who decided to go to Louisiana!

Since the O.M.C. wasn't very athletic, but enjoyed walking, he never put on that much weight--muscle or fat. The O.M.C. was able to carry on in the summer heat because he was thin. He was also able to help because when he picked up a load, he wasn't working harder just to carry himself as well. Being cautious about his balance, he was agile over uneven and unstable terrain and debris.

Another volunteer once said of him: "he always has something to say, something that makes me think." The O.M.C.'s ability to empathize meant that he was able to encourage other people. The O.M.C. chose to stand in front of a crowd in spite of his nervousness, and deliver a message to try to encourage others.

When the O.M.C. came home from his first trip to Louisiana, he was less prone to anger and was pleasantly surprised to notice it! He didn't use profanity when he did get angry, and his anger burned out much faster than before. This was the first inkling of the existence of the New Man Chris.

The inverted life calls for all of us to use our abilities in ways that help others. Even if you have a seemingly illogical or strange grouping of abilities, God has a use and a purpose for you. The inverted life is all about finding that purpose, finding fulfillment, experience, and enjoyment in carrying out that purpose, and in encouraging others to do the same.

The "old man-" or "old woman-" version of you may feel stale, stagnant or outdated. If it does, I invite you to consider this: "A generous man will prosper; he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed." (Proverbs 11:25)

Challenge on a Beaded Chain

2006-10-12T01:54:00.000-04:00

Over Labor Day weekend in 2000, I attended a Christian youth rally called "Summit" in downtown Columbus. While there, I purchased a dog tag with the slogan "WWJD?" (What Would Jesus Do?) painted on one side and the following verse painted on the other:

"I can do anything through [Christ] who gives me strength." (Philippians 4:13)

I started out wearing the dog tag for a while, hoping it would serve me as a reminder that I would be able to resist sin, behave better, and fulfill a lot of other idealistic notions I had in my head at the time. I was only 21 then, and still quite idealistic. The slogan "WWJD?" was still somewhat new to me, but at the time I bought the souvenir, I thought I knew its implications. I stopped wearing the dog tag after a few months.

Before I finished packing for my first trip to Louisiana, I saw that dog tag sitting on my dresser drawer, gathering dust. I hadn't worn or carried it for almost five years. I brushed it off and looked at the verse on the back. The very thought of being able to do "anything" made me stop and think. I thought "I will need Jesus' strength to get through next week," and so I decided to take the dog tag along. I wore it under my shirt on the bus ride down to Louisiana and decided to keep it on during the work days as well.

During even the hottest days in Louisiana, I could still occasionally feel the coolness of the flat metal tag against my chest. I could feel that beaded chain tickle the back of my neck. At those times, I always remembered what I had around my neck. In the morning, the first thing I would do when I got up was put on that dog tag. Maybe it was a bit superstitious. I even told a few people about that dog tag. I said: "This is how I get started each day, by remembering this verse." I thought I understood the verse.

Then came my second trip to Louisiana. I think somewhere on the trip down, I pulled the dog tag out from under my shirt and held it in my hand. I re-read the verse, recalling the peace of mind and the willpower that the verse had given me on my first trip to Louisiana. Maybe the dog tag spun around on its beaded chain, or maybe I turned it over one or two times. My brain made a connection that sent chills through me.

I understood it then. The front of the dog tag asks me "What Would Jesus Do?" The back of the dog tag has a Bible verse on it. Remember, that verse comes from a book where we learn about the attitude of Jesus (Philippians 2:5-8).

The challenge hits home--if the front is a question: "What Would Jesus Do?" then the back is one answer to that question: "Since you have his strength, you can do anything that Jesus would do."

Anything. The question and the answer make me think a lot more about what the inverted life is, and how I measure up. I have a challenge on a beaded chain, hanging around my neck. I am thankful for the challenge and the reminder that the dog tag gives me. These days, the only time when I am not wearing it is when I am in the shower.

Breakthrough

2006-10-10T02:30:00.000-04:00

Some people (myself very much included) have struggled with the problem of being the cause of our own downfall. As I said before, I am the cause of my own problems. Ultimately, whether it is because of my weakness or because I am imperfect (Romans 3:23), I cause my own problems when I try to deal with sin.

That's because the choice is mine to make. When I am tempted, I struggle between what I want to do and what I do not want to do (Romans 7:21-25). Many times, I have decided to give in just a little. It's almost like turning a pressure valve, hoping that I can control it enough to "blow off steam" and then shut the valve again. It never turns out that way...

What starts out as a little "Oh, this small thing won't hurt in the long run" turns into a downward spiral into sin. That "small thing" is usually something that leads to another thing, and then another, until I find myself doing the very big thing that I was consciously trying to avoid in the beginning. Recently, I've learned when and where that "small thing" pops up in my mind. I've learned to avoid that because I know it triggers the full-blown sin. (Imagine how life could change if God let each of us see all of our own sin-triggers!)

These are things that I've "learned" since returning home--but I do not know where and when they happened! It is a mystery that still puzzles me now because I find myself getting more strength from being weak (2 Corinthians 11:30), instead of shattering into pieces when I think I am strong.

Stay tuned for more...

Impact

2006-10-09T08:33:00.000-04:00

There are times when the temptation builds and I am drawn to turn back from this life that I have chosen, and that has taken hold of me (Philippians 3:12). There are desires of my body which I have long felt are incompatible with what I believe in. These things, which cannot exist at the same time as faithful living, are components of "me" that I thought I had left behind in Louisiana.

I can't say that I am perfect, so I expect that the temptation will continue. To make a point, I quote James 1:13-14:

"When tempted, no one should say 'God is tempting me.' For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed."

Acknowledging this means owning up to the fact that I am the cause of my own problems. As I've said in an earlier post, the inverted life involves willingly accepting a change in who you are, even if you have to sacrifice part of who you were.

Wide Open...

2006-10-06T08:38:00.000-04:00

I decided last week to enable comments on almost every post in the "Inverted Life" group of blogs. There are a few that do not have commenting enabled, primarily because I don't think that commenting there would go anywhere significant.

I also decided to reserve Imperfect Beginnings because it sounded good. Right now, there's nothing much there, but I might develop that one later.

Imperfect Beginnings

2006-10-05T20:57:00.000-04:00

At a small group Bible study, we discussed Abram (later known as Abraham) and his trip to Egypt that comes in Genesis. During the trip, Abram lies about Sarai being his sister, not his wife, and causes a plague on Pharaoh's household. Pharaoh sends Abram away, but it seems like Abram still has a problem with lying. He meets Abimelech later on, lies again about Sarai, and almost gets Abimelech killed.

One of the group members mentioned that we as Christians often get characterized as being "judgemental" because we expect so much of the "sinners" around us. He's right. One of the interesting things about these incidents is that God called Abram to turn Abram's descendants into a great nation. But God didn't start out with the "perfect hero" type, he started with "Mr. Ordinary" Abram, who was just like the rest of us.

There is a very real lesson to be learned here, and one that I myself need to pay attention to: God starts working with us from our imperfect beginnings.

Surprise! Do you know what? God thinks that when we are in trouble, when we are broken, and when we are not perfect, that is the perfect time to begin working with us. Take it from Paul, who wrote this:

"You see at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:6-8)

The "Inverted Life" doesn't begin overnight, and it is never a complete change all at once to being perfect. The fact is, I'm never going to get there--I'm never going to be the perfect "model-Christian" that matches everything Jesus wants me to be (especially if I don't get up from this keyboard and do something once in a while).

I've certainly had my share of imperfect beginnings (maybe a title for a future blog?), but please don't for a moment think that the journey shouldn't be made, or that it isn't worth your time.

The Next Level: Spiritual Gifts

2006-10-01T21:13:00.000-04:00

I think we might've gotten some ideas partly right and partly wrong in our heads. When it comes to spiritual gifts, I've begun to wonder if these "gifts" are a different concept than what I used to believe.

I used to think a spiritual gift was something that you had, all along, from the beginning of your life. I thought it was a thing that was built into what you are as a person, and that when you discovered what it was, then you could start serving God for real. Maybe that's true.

I think there are things that God builds into us right from the start (Psalm 139:13). I also think that God likes versatility, instead of making people who have just one specific purpose (1 Corinthians 12:6). God also wants the different purposes to be coordinated so that everybody does something that helps, instead of creating disorder (1 Corinthians 12:18-20). But I used to think that spiritual gifts were these things that were built into me from the get-go, and that what I had to work with was all I had.

That made me wonder "Where did God put all those spiritual gifts and talents for me?" I wondered where I could find them.

That's when an idea struck me. If you've played video games, then you're familiar with "Level ups" or "Power ups" that can come during the game, or after you complete certain sections of a game. No game designer would let you begin the game with those power ups because it would be too easy. It might even be boring.

I think that God has a similar thing going on. I believe that what a person experiences helps to determine his or her spiritual gifts. At the end of that experience, I think that sometimes God gives out a "level up" or a "power up" to a person. Maybe we do start life with certain spiritual gifts, but I'm beginning to believe that God is continuously at work within each of us, adding on new upgrades, adding new gifts and talents, and building us up so that as we pass through one stage in life, we get ready for the next.

Does God let us choose which path we take in life? If he does, then maybe all we have to do to get a specific spiritual gift is to "sign up" for it!

The Time to Worship

2006-10-01T20:59:00.000-04:00

In church today, we sang "Now Is the Time to Worship" at the beginning:

Verse:
Come, now is the time to worship
Come, now is the time to give your heart
Come, just as you are to worship
Come, just as you are before your God
Come

Chorus:
One day every tongue will confess You are God
One day every knee will bow
Still, the greatest treasure remains for those
Who glady choose You now

At the end of worship, the song leader changed the lyrics in Power Point and showed a song where the word "Go" replaced "Come." The point is that not only should we "worship" in church assemblies, but that we should also "worship the Father in spirit and truth" (John 4:23). That means taking it outside into the street, down the alleyways of our cities and our towns, and into our own homes as well. It was a good point to make at the "end" of the scheduled "worship" that happened at church today.

The "time to worship" did not end when I left Louisiana, and it began a long time before I ever even thought about Christianity.

Reading List: Soul Storm

2006-09-25T08:27:00.000-04:00

Soul Storm: Finding God Amidst Disaster, by Bruce Lee Smith covers a wide range of topics related to rebuilding after physical earthquakes, tsunamis, and hurricanes. It also shows how our spiritual side can be engaged in a different kind of rebuilding.

The author challenges us to consider the possible "reasons" for why disasters happen. A classic question challenging faith is this: "If there is a loving God, why does he allow bad things to happen to good people." This question, although patently unanswerable, can lead to insight into the nature of our loving God, and how we should rebuild relationships with Him and with other people in the aftermath of losses and disasters. You can find more about Soul Storm here.

I may write an essay on this book. It's the first thing I've read since graduating with a BA in English, where I've wanted to re-read it and where I've wanted to produce some kind of feedback. Stay tuned. Your comments are welcome.

A Third Trip?!?

2006-09-18T21:47:00.000-04:00

You might ask me: "What do you mean, a third trip?"

I might ask you: "What do you mean: 'what do you mean, a third trip?'"

I just received a news letter in my e-mail. It came from Hilltop Rescue and Relief. They are asking for more volunteers, and I can't blame them. There is an even bigger need, and it leaves me wondering why I left Louisiana in the first place. The situation is even in the St. Bernard Parish Government archives.

That may sound crazy, but it was harder for me to leave Louisiana after I came. And everywhere I go, I keep on reading, seeing, and hearing things that seem to say: "Chris, don't you need to go back?"

Regardless of whether or not I go, please comment at my third trip blog.

Where I am...

2006-09-11T07:51:00.000-04:00

The work of writing a novel does not seem quite so important. I haven't edited any part of it since I returned from my second trip. I do not now have a timetable for submitting all or part of any of my stories for publication.

I still have story ideas but they are not my first priority anymore.

I am at the same desk where I typed facts from the news on September 11th, 2001. The computer is different, though. I am also different.

The first time I went to Louisiana, I deliberately held back my expectations. I deliberately chose not to expect to be changed in any way--the worst case scenario. I did not want to disappoint myself if I backslid, showed unchristlike anger, swore, or behaved in a way that didn't reflect God. I did not expect that any experience short of dying would make me a better person, because I had tried to be that person by myself, and I had never succeeded.

All I did was clean, remove furniture, remove carpeting, and tear out drywall. I hauled loads in wheelbarrows, hung out with an energetic crowd of teens for four days in Louisiana, and then came home.

As I looked back on the devastation, and as I could see less and less of it on the way home, I prayed: "Please, God, don't let me go back to the way I was before." I haven't felt the same since then. Periodically, as a reminder, I repeat that prayer. Sometimes I even cry as I think it.

This is the true welcome to Inverted Life, when you willingly accept a change in who you are, even if it means sacrificing part of who you were.

"If any man would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me." (Matthew 16:24)

Where I was...

2006-09-11T07:37:00.000-04:00

Five years ago, I was sitting roughly in the same position as I am now. I had my fingers poised over the keyboard, or my hand resting on the mouse. I was doing whatever it was that I was doing--possibly attempting to add to a science fiction novel I was working on.

My brother called me from work and asked if I had seen the images on the news. I told him I had not. He told me to turn on the television. It was about noon when he called, so I missed the initial shock of what was going on. The footage was old--the Pentagon, the North Tower, and the South Tower had already been hit and had already been burning. News switched from story to story at a frenetic pace as the nation amassed details and specifics.

I spent the afternoon typing pieces of information into a text document so that I could follow along. Whenever an update came over the news, I would type it down. Whenever a "current" fact changed enough, I would replace it. I continued doing this until about 6:00 P.M., when the special reports went off the air locally, and local news stations reported about Ohio. Whenever an update came over the news, I would type it down and whenever a "current" fact changed enough, I would replace it.

There was a call for volunteers--I heard of trips being organized to travel to New York to deal with the collapsed rubble and debris. Not knowing how I could help, I remained here in Ohio. I do not know if I developed any guilt over that, or whether I coped with it in the background.

My writing took on an anger that was not present before. The subjects of most of my new story ideas involved chasing down some evil organization, punishing them dearly for the pain they had inflicted. A story idea that I had revised away from referring to terrorism got changed back, a grisly ending put in the works to deal with the perpetrators of the vile act.

Random Lessons from Louisiana

2006-09-11T01:12:00.000-04:00

I think my experiences with Louisiana are still sinking in, but I have managed to gather some new wisdom. I have seen panoramic devastation. I have walked neighborhood streets where I and my friends were the only ones there. I have heard voices of pain, doubt, healing, and hope. While we all wish that Hurricane Katrina had never happened, I am thankful that I had an opportunity to help. I am still amazed at how my life has been blessed by helping others.

Here are some things that I have learned:
1.) The mind can slow down, the body can tire with fatigue, but the spirit endures.
2.) The chance to help can come and go in an eyeblink. Act fast.
3.) Change is a traumatic journey that begins with answering God's call, continues through seeking Him earnestly, and ends in His loving arms.
4.) Always endeavor to identify objects in the muck--the junk you sift through represents somebody else's life. Lives may become fragile after a disaster, handle all of them with care.
5.) Make every trip count: don't go into a house without tools, and don't come back out of the house without a loaded wheelbarrow or an armload of debris.
6.) Faith the size of a "mustard seed" can move mountains, remove muck, carpet, drywall and refrigerators. And it can rebuild hope.
7.) Never do anything big without a "buddy." You'll have that person to help you, that person will have you to help him or her, and in the end, you'll both have somebody to thank.
8.) Always be humble: you might not know it, you might not believe in it, and you might never see it, but your little acts of kindness could be God's answer to somebody else's prayers.
9.) There are a great many ways to create faith, but hard work helping others is an amazing way to reinforce faith.
10.) Do not go into adversity expecting a specific change in your life when you come out. Let God reveal Himself in the changes that He has chosen to make in you.

Welcome!

2006-09-01T01:29:00.000-04:00

Not everybody gets to choose to "invert." Hurricane Katrina wiped out thousands of houses in Mississippi, Louisiana, and Florida and has become the worst natural disaster ever to strike in the United States. The people who experienced the disaster and its after-effects have had their lives "inverted."

They've had their lives turned upside-down and inside-out.

Ten months after the hurricane hit, I joined a relief effort and got to see a small part of the damage firsthand. Thinking I was "done," I returned home and saw small changes in the way I perceived the world around me. As I returned to a "normal" life, I realized just how different it appeared to me. And then I started to see just how big all those small changes were about to become.

Let me share my experience with you...

Click the links on the side or below:

My first trip
My second trip
My third trip

For reasons of privacy, I have chosen not to use the names of many people who were involved in the actual events I have written here. Please note: if you blog and you've shown your full name on yours, I may end up using your full name on mine. If you know me and want me to use your name to show in my postings, then I will use your name. Or if you see your name here and you want it off the blog, then I will remove it. You can contact me here.