Quiet Move

The challenge is this: prayer is not a contest of wills, where ours can "win" and we get what we want.

Prayer is our attempt to put our will out of the picture long enough to let God's will in.

If prayer is not our attempt to prevail upon God and achieve what we want--changing God's mind, then it has to be something else. It has to be our attempt to let God's mind prevail in us, and for God's heart to prevail in us.

Through all the stresses, frustrations, and strains of 2009, I have found that anger has hardened my heart in the worst possible way. At the same time, I have begun to realize that perhaps my prayers have seemed hollow to me, even when other people at church appreciated what I had to say. They have seemed to me to be hasty and slipshod, constructed on a premise that came to mind at the last minute before I stood to lead the congregation in prayer.

I do not want to pick apart the idea of allowing God to speak--many of the notions in my prayers before the congregation have been worthwhile, valid and uplifting to others. I do believe God can use somebody like me to share His Word.

But I have been distant--praying only when it was asked of me, rather than "continually" (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18). I have stood in the distance too long this year, silent before the Lord, wondering if there is a way to say what's been on my mind and in my heart, never taking advantage of the fact that God has been waiting all year--even when I am not in church--and I have kept Him waiting.

Random Numbers

So I was out searching for character names on Google, and I'll tell you more on the Imperfect Beginnings blog instead of this one.

I landed a few hits for a few names. I just don't want somebody to look at a book I write and think "Hey! He used some country star's name in that book!" or "Hey! He just used some ... star's name in that book!" Not very good for me, because I write science fiction as a hobby, and am pursuing publication.

So I landed at random in somebody's blog, checked things out and thought about bookmarking the thing. That reminded me that I haven't been much of a presence here at this blog. I had a few other landings on other names and identities, but I didn't find anything having to do with movie stars or known cultural icons. Some names might be altered so as not to fit with the people involved in my recent browsing, that they do not say "Hey! He just commented on my blog, and then he started using my name in his book!" Or worse, immortalize their name by riding my coattails. Okay, paranoid perhaps, but I don't like having real people names mixed in my fictional adventures.

But back to presence. I also haven't been much of a presence in other ways, perhaps even to the point of being a temporary theological lightweight. My recent behavior took a hit when I saw a segment from the Truth Project. Somebody pointed out that you can't believe God if you choose to stay addicted to pornography, to substances, to money, etc. Why is this? Not because God can't exist because of these things, but because real belief, real faith requires us to obey God and be faithful. And that would take us away from our addictions, now wouldn't it?

It would also take me away from being a theological lightweight. I remember this time two years ago, when I was going strong. I know God can do that. But I have to believe and call on God to make me act accordingly.

What's Your Load?

I thought about this on the way home from work.

I have tons of emotional baggage. Correction: I used to have tons of emotional baggage. Jesus offered to take it away a long time ago. That baggage contains my sins, my failures, my own evil thoughts, as well as good thoughts gone wrong, attempts to do good that turned out okay but not quite the way I would have liked. I could go on for hours. Worries are also included in that strange pile of junk. Everything in that junk has a different size, a different shape, and a different weight. What a load of junk!

What's worse is that sometimes things get tossed in on top of that mess and I have to haul that along with everything else! It's junk, no better than a wheelbarrow full of drywall debris or garbage. I could, if I wanted to, load up with all that baggage each day of the rest of my life.

Or I could live without it.

What if I could load up one just one thing, and it never changed? Jesus tells us that whoever follows him must "deny himself, take up his cross and follow" but is that so bad? A cross is a pair of wood beams that is fastened together. It has a definite size, a definite shape, and a definite weight. That size, shape, and weight does not vary or change.

Tell me what you would rather do: haul all that emotional baggage and junk, or just two pieces of wood. It isn't always easy to carry, but it never gets any bigger or any heavier.

It brings new meaning to this other thing that Jesus said:

Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls, for my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

The inverted life is a life that is free from emotional baggage and sin. Living in freedom from sin means I have to carry a burden called "responsibility." Is that so hard?

The Boundary

Have you ever gone "over the line?" or felt that somebody else "crossed the line" when they said something or did something to you? Maybe that person did not do something directly to you, but to somebody you knew. But whatever the reason, suddenly you were offended and you reacted. Reactions for me come in all shapes and sizes. Recently, I learned a life lesson.

It comes from Romans 12:18 which basically amounts to this:

Whatever you do, and whatever anybody else does to you, try your best to manage your end of things. Try your best not to fight when somebody else starts it, and try your best not to start any fights.

Although Paul's letter to the Romans does not say it in so many words, I think that's basically what it means: try to avoid fighting and arguments.

I found another interesting quote last year: "The aim of an argument or discussion should not be victory, but progress." Joseph Joubert, a French moral philosopher who lived between 1754 and 1824 said that.

What I try to live in the verse from Romans holds me to a very high standard, one that I cannot follow myself. But what if I do fail? I guess that's where the second quote comes in. Nothing I fight over should be anything that is not worth fighting over. And I should not be fighting to get the last word, or to be the winner. I think Paul would agree that I should be fighting to make a situation better, not worse.

The life lesson I learned recently is this: anybody might "cross the line," by doing or saying something offensive, but the inverted life is one where I can choose to move my personal boundaries. This has changed my part of what I think it means to forgive.

Sicilian Defense

The inverted life is anything but perfect. I am human and there are things that affect me, and there are things that I allow to affect me.

Recently, the preacher at my church has featured spiritual formation as a topic in his sermons. One series covered the different temptations he has either witnessed in others or experienced himself in ministry:

1.) The temptation to be relevant
2.) The temptation to be spectacular
3.) The temptation to be powerful

He related these to Matthew 4:1-11 when Jesus is being tempted.

Spiritual formation was also a topic at a church retreat that I was able to attend a couple weeks ago. I was surprised by the familiarity of that topic, not because I have studied the topic, but because I think it fits part of what got the inverted life started.

During the retreat, we studied how change comes from within. A person starts in solitude, making up his or her mind and heart. The inner change prompts similar people to gather, creating communities of people. The communities then affect the people around them, and the external change creates movements that affect all of society.

I remember the first trip to Louisiana, when I sat on the bus heading home, and saw the devastated landscape revert to normal. I remember coming away with something in my heart, an inarticulate prayer that slowly resolved to this:

"God, please do not let me go back to my life the way it used to be."

The change on the inside changed me on the outside, but it lasted only a few months before the stresses and strains of the world crept back in.

There are days when I cry out for that transformation to come back. I was at peace, I took less time to forgive, and I took way more time to be offended.

One day, I pray that God will give back what I had back then. It may not be exactly the same, but I want that transformation. I know it costs something, but that doesn't change the fact that I want it.

I leave you with this: "Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind" (Romans 12:1-2).

Hot Spots

They're the annoying memories from the past. The worst are the "hot spots" the ones that get me angry all over again. Why is that?

The Bible indirectly tells us that our anger can lead to sin (Psalm 4:4), and I think it's even worse when it comes through from the past.

Just like acid reflux, I have a problem with "anger reflux." I get annoyed or irritated or frustrated by things that happened to me in the past. I'm sure that part of this is because I'm human. I have the same problems that everybody else who puts up with anger has.

I call "anger reflux" a "hot spot." Have you ever thought about an argument that happened a long time ago, or have you ever been offended a long time ago? When you remember it again, does it still get you angry? That's what I call a "hot spot." It's when I get angry all over again.

I can't let that control my (inverted) life, because then my anger gets the best of me, and worse things could happen (Genesis 4:6-7). In the passage I just linked, Cain is angry because God does not accept his sacrifice. God warns Cain about this anger.

It's already bad enough, detrimental enough to me, to do bad things when I am angry. It's even worse to let a memory get me angry as a "hot spot."

The inverted life is a forgiving life. That means that I have to forgive others when they offend me. But I have come to learn that "forgiving" is not just a one-time action that gets finished as soon as it starts, "forgiving" is an ongoing decision requiring time and prayer.

Yes, when I first forgive a person, it counts for now and forever with God. But if I dredge up the memory of that incident, I must point out to myself that I already forgave that incident! It must be as forgiven now as it was when it first happened, no matter how long ago it happened, and no matter how many times it got repeated.

Matthew 18:21-35 tells us what Jesus has to say about forgiving sins, and how it has to be "from [my] heart."

Eventually the hot spots cool off, but I have found that reminding myself that something is already forgiven cools it off a lot faster.

Shatter...

There are times when my anger gets the better of me. It has been a problem from the "get go" and stopped only once, during a period last year when my whole idea of the meaning of life got flipped upside-down. There are times when I, in my anger, sin. Sometimes I vent, rather than take control, and that can have an impact not only on myself, but on those around me.

I am reminded that nobody is perfect, least of all me.

The inverted life is not about shortcomings, but about how God can turn shortcomings into success stories. It seems that I still can recognize God's will in my life, but I just have trouble acting on it.

So, perhaps I can escape from the ruin I've allowed things to become.

If it ever comes up on the FineTune playlist (this is not a shameless plug) built into this blog, listen carefully to the lyrics of Third Day's song: Cry Out to Jesus... It's been stuck in my head all day. I'm like the one who "can't break the addictions and chains."

I need as much to cry out to Jesus as anybody else.

When the inverted life shatters under the pressure from the world, who else is there to help?

It's Like Not Even Being There...

I might as well not show up for my own life if I'm going to ignore it. I spend a lot of time losing sleep over the very things that used to seem so unimportant to me in the past. These things should not be so important to me, but I get distracted and lead a worried life.

I claim that I am a correspondance course teacher for a few students who email me the answers to their World Bible School lessons. I am supposed to reply fairly quickly, but I had been so busy worrying and avoiding the things that mattered, that I might as well leave the student wondering if I even exist. But that would not be a good thing.

We all go through times when we're not entirely focused on life. But life still goes on. Dirty laundry piles up, grass grows, and paint peels. Children grow, people live, and people die. Jesus did not want us to get distracted and get sucked into our own worries and our own little thoughts in our own little world.

One of the things that I liked about last fall was that my worries were different. I was worried a great deal about Louisiana and the ongoing reconstruction efforts. I was concerned about whether I was supposed to be there, and I spent a lot of time thinking about other people as a result. Granted, I had a lot of things in my life to handle and be concerned with, and those things required my attention just like anything else. It was okay to deal with these things and continue to move along in life. The thing that concerned me a couple of weeks ago was the way that distracted period swallowed up all of my attention and left me feeling hollow.

When I was concerned about others, I think I had things right in my life. I believe that Jesus wants us to be concerned about others. He tells us to "seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow" (Matthew 6: 33-34). If we are busy in the present, paying attention to what God places before us, and if we pay attention to the blessings He sends our way, from awareness about our world to awareness about His presence in our hearts, I think the other things tend to fall into place.

It's been a long time since I put that notion back in the forefront of my mind. It's been a long time since I put my attention and my focus back on the Kingdom of God. I remember what it felt like--it felt like being free.

Now I just want to get back to that again. It might not be easy to get the ball rolling, but I believe it will be worth it.